I want to be Mary only I'm so totally Martha.

If you are like me you could be in any one of twenty places right now.   Okay, so maybe that is an exaggeration but you know what I mean.  I had to decide what to do first, write my blog or fold the laundry, fold the laundry or answer my e-mail, answer my e-mail or go visit a friend that could use some cheering up, etc., etc.  I've already mentally prepared my to do list for tomorrow and will write it down before bed time but as soon as I do I will begin the process of thinking about the rest of what I have to get done this week.  It is a never ending tornado of thoughts, to do's, should do's, could do's, want to do's.  I know I'm not alone in this storm because so many of my girlfriends talk about how busy they are and how much they have to do.

So, where is this never ending journey of not being able to manage our time coming from and why can't we seem to win the battle and be done with it?  For me it seems to be that I have a hard time saying no. I want to be like Mary and be able to sit at Jesus feet and just "be".  Although over the years I've gotten much better at saying no and being still, I wouldn't say that I have mastered the art of doing either well.  I still feel guilty when I can't be everything to everyone and fill everyone's needs bucket.  I still feel "less than" when I can't get it all done.  Just ask my poor husband whom I make weary just by his having to watch me flitter around trying to do it all.

Many times I have been able to slow way down and feel really good about  it. I have time to enjoy my Bible study and not rush through it. I have time to sit and have coffee with a friend, snuggle with my husband while watching a movie, have lunch with one of my children and really be present.   But then very slowly the busyness creeps back in, I say yes to more people, yes to more responsibility at work or church or volunteer activities and before I know it I'm right back in the midst of the tornado, spinning out of control.  I'm accomplishing everything that is on the TO DO list but I'm not engaged or enjoying any of it because I am too busy thinking about the next item on the TO DO list.  And then I have to figure out what to let go, who to let down by saying, "I'm sorry but no, that just won't work for me and my family right now."  And then the guilt  kicks in and after I am over the guilt I will be okay for a while, until the process starts over again.

Two weeks ago I went on a trip with my husband and a group from our church on a marriage retreat.  Then this past Friday night I met my husband for a quick overnight stay in New Orleans.  Now, I'm behind on my need to's, supposed to's and should do's.   You guessed it, I'm feeling overwelmed and guilty for not being able to do it all.  And the really hard part and is that it's all really good stuff.  Most all of my list of to do's are things I really care about and things I really want to be able to do, only I can't there just aren't enough hours in the day.

So what about you.  Do you find yourself in this same situation?  Write me and tell me your struggles.  I would love to hear them.

Luke 10:  ³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”    ⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Transparent Friendship (Blog #3 on Friendship)

The second part of my a blog about friendship is about the transparency required for deep and trusting friendships between women.  

A portion of the definition of transparent is:  free from pretense or deceit : frank b : easily detected or seen through : obvious c : readily understood

Isn't that exactly we are all looking for in our friendships?  I want friends who are free from pretense.  I definitely want friends who are not deceitful.  I want to readily understand my friends and be understood.  So, what do I have to do to have friendships with these qualities and characteristics?  I have to be free from pretense.  I have to do everything I can to avoid deceit. I have to be open and honest in order to be understood and to understand.  If I do these things then I will be considered a good friend. But, if I do these things well and with excellence then I will be considered a great friend.  That is my goal. To be a great friend and to have great friends. 

 As women we long to nurture others and be in community with others.  So why is it so hard for us to make ourselves vulnerable to other women in our friendships?  I would say it is because we've all been hurt by so called friends. We've all had those pretentious relationships.  We've all been deceived by a friend. We've all been misunderstood by a friend.  And therein lies the problem.  Some of us never break through the cycle of deceit, misunderstanding, and pretension.  What started in the sandbox with our kindergarten friendships has followed us into our adult lives. Those seemingly innocent and immature behaviors we displayed back then are present today, we just don't see them as innocent anymore because they aren't.  We know it is wrong to be deceitful, we know it is wrong to be pretentious, and we could really try harder to understand where our female friends are coming from.  Only some of us don't.  Why do you think that is?  Is it insecurity? Is it because we feel like we have to compete?  Is it because we've put a wall up and told ourselves over and over again that we won't ever be hurt again?  I'm sure for some of you, there are reasons I can't even imagine because I've not had your experience. Whatever your reason for not being a great friend, and in turn having great friends, may be unique.   I hope that you will consider the word transparency.  Consider the meaning of transparency. If there is something in your life that you are hiding from your best friends ask yourself why you are hiding it. If you are deceiving your best friends, ask yourself why you are being deceitful.  If you are being pretentious, what is it you are being pretentious about?  Is it worth sabotaging a friendship over? Are you an understanding person or one who finds fault easily?  

I said in my first blog on friendship that I have friendships that are transparent.  I don't have to pretend that I have it all together. I don't have to pretend my marriage, kids, job and Christian walk is perfect.  Because I have friends who are understanding, I am free to share my insecurities and weaknesses without fear of being deceived.  Over time we've developed deep trust and compassion with each other. I want you to have these friendships too.  I don't pretend to have all of the answers and I can't guarantee these steps will work for you. But I do pray that they help you in developing deep, trusting and lasting female friendship.

1. Pray for Godly friendship:   Ask God to give you Godly friends and to give you the ability to be a great friend.

2.  Take it slow:   You wouldn't just walk up to the new girl at the church luncheon and tell her your secrets, so don't expect her to do so either.

3. Find a mentor: Do you know someone who has great female friendships like you are looking for?  Chances are if you asked her she would be willing to share her secrets with you.

4. Be a great friend first: In order to have great friendships you have to first be a good friend.  That means you must be willing to be honest, discrete, loyal, and merciful.

5. Keep limits:  In any great friendship you have to have boundaries.  Just because a friend can't make that lunch date or hasn't called you in a week or two, you can't take it personally.  Remember, our friendships are to enhance our lives not take away from them.  As  adult women we are all busy with our lives.  Our family must come first and a great friend should understand that.   (Read last week's blog about letting God fill those empty places)

 

 

First Things First

There was such an overwhelming response to my blog on friendship last week that I decided I would camp out there for the next few weeks.  I am going to do my best to unpack the truths I've learned about women and friendship. 

As I said last week, I believe that the most important element of my best friendships is each of our relationships to God.  For me, allowing Him to fill all of the voids and not placing expectations on my friends to fill these voids, frees them to just be my friend, not my god. 

My friend Suzanne paints a beautiful picture of what allowing God to fill those voids looks like.  During an especially difficult time in her life she asked God to be so close to her that she wouldn't long for the earthly relationship that was missing in her life.  During that time of prayer and seeking God she says that she would imagine herself standing side by side with God. He reaches around her shoulder and places her in the curve of his side.  Then whichever way He turns she has no choice but to go with Him.  She is totally submitted to His movement and His will.  At the same time she is protected by Him.  I want you to close your eyes and see yourself there in the curve of God's arm.  In that position, totally submitted and protected, God is able to fill up all those empty places you may have.  And we all have them.  Imagine what your need is and submit it to Him.  What is yours?  Do you long for a husband that cherishes you? A child to fill your empty womb?  Or do you have a child and that child has made poor choices that are breaking your heart?  A parent that has disappointed you?  A friend that will be true?  A job, a home,  a cure, a breakthrough?  Let God take whatever your need is and fill it as He stands with His loving arm around you.  Move with Him as He moves. Give in to His guidance, give in to His protection, give in to His love, give in to His comfort.

You see I've learned that only God can fill those empty places.  Even though  I have a great marriage, Danny cannot fill the places that only God is meant to fill.  Even though I have beautiful children, they cannot fill the places that only God is meant to fill.  Even though I have earthly treasures, they cannot fill the places that only God is meant to fill.  My girlfriends cannot fill these places either.  And by not expecting them to, it gives us freedom to just be girlfriends.  I'm not asking them to fill my empty places that they were never meant to fill in the firstplace. 

In John 13:23 we read about the disciple Jesus loved.  Jesus had just washed the discipes feet, all of the disciples were eating a meal with Jesus. In John 13:23 the Bible says: "One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him. "  Isn't that beautiful?  I love that word picture. This is the same principle my friend Suzanne talks about.  God wants us to lean in to Him.  To climb up in His lap and let Him love on us.  He is our Abba Father. 

I hope that you will imagine yourself this week in the curve of God's loving arm being guided and protected by Him.  And that when a longing fills your heart that you will allow Him to fill it instead of man (or girlfriend).

Blessings!

Friendship between women

I've spent some time lately thinking about friendship.  Not just the acquaintance type friendship but that "you are my sister from a different mother" kind of friendship.  The I care very, very deeply about this person friendship.

I was that typical grade school girl who had a different bff every week. And if one or the other of us talked to another girl on the playground well then we couldn't be bff's anymore because a true bff would not talk to another potential bff.  Then middle school friendship was even more complicated. You all remember the drama involved there. So what makes our adult friendships so much less complicated? For me the answer would be my relationship with God.  By allowing my relationship with God to be the most important relationship in my life, I no longer expect anyone else to fill that void that only He can fill.  This allows me to be a better friend and to not put so much pressure or need on my girlfriends.  I'm also able to be more transparent with my girlfriends because I know that the only acceptance I truly need is God's.  Accepting that truth about Him allows me to let my girlfriends off the hook.  I'm not always looking to them to validate me and give me my self worth.  I don't get upset if a week or "gasp" a month goes by and I haven't heard from one of them. I know that they have busy lives and that it doesn't mean I've done something or they don't like me any more because they haven't contacted me,  it just means that they've been busy.

Transparency is huge in my adult friendships too. Transparency allows my girlfriends to see my weaknesses, feel my vulnerability, know my hopes and dreams, and see the real me. This self transparency then lends itself to their making themselves vulnerable to me.  I've learned  not to judge, not to condemn and to always do my best to be gracious and merciful.

I heard this statement once and it made a huge difference in my life.  There will always be someone prettier, someone smarter, someone who has a bigger house or car, someone who has a seemingly perfect marriage, and perfect kids and someone wealthier than you.  I'm friends with all of these previous mentioned women. I have prettier friends, richer friends, most definitely smarter friends. And what I've learned over the years is that there is always a struggle, always a history and always something in a person's life that makes us equal. That seemingly perfect marriage may just be smoke and mirrors when you peel back the layers.  That seemingly perfect child may have some real issues that breaks his mom's heart and that wealth may be a burden because of the demands to keep up this standard of living.  I've heard stories from my friends that make me want to weep for having ever thought that they "had it all".  Having another person be truly transparent to you is a very humbling experience. If a girlfriend trusts me enough to share a deep dark secret with me then it is my job to handle  that trust as I would a priceless treasure.

There is no competition among me and my girlfriends. I believe that is because the more deeply we know  a persons weaknesses and pain the less likely we are to envy them and the more likely we are to want to see them succeed. When we know their heart and motivation it makes us want to champion their cause with them, to come along beside them and help them cross the finish line successfully.

Friendship should  always be changing, always growing. It shouldn't be static. In my adult friendships I've learned to embrace this change always looking forward to the next chapter while savoring the journey as we grow together.  As my girlfriends and I are fully embracing middle age, I have started to look back over my shoulder at the young women coming behind us.  I feel a great burden to share these little nuggets of true friendship I've gained over the years.   Maybe the secrets aren't mine to unlock for them, perhaps it is only through trial and error that God ever gets a woman to reach her highest potential as a friend.  Whatever the secret is, I thank God for it. My life is so much richer, so much more fulfilling, so much calmer, so much MORE with my girlfriends by my side.

If you aren't lucky enough to have this deep, trusting, lasting friendship with one or more women, I want to pray for you. I believe that God wants you to have friendship like this. Send me an email  at jmcook96@yahoo.com.  It's our secret.:)

Colossians 3:12-14
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

The "Tate Road house"

If you are a parent, then certainly you've asked yourself, "am I giving my kids enough or too much"?  Maybe you've worked hard to give your children more stuff.  The separate game room from the rest of the house, the pool, the go-cart and the latest and greatest video games; every year a new one because it is not as cool as last years model. I get it. I've been there. Even though all of our children are grown now we often find ourselves still going there.   In recent months I've heard all four of  our grown children in our little blended family comment on how much fun they had in the "Tate Road house".  The Tate Rd. house is the house that Danny I lived in when we were first married in 1996.  I had purchased the 1600 square foot, very modest ranch style home while I was a single mother between the years of 1994 and 1996.  Josh was 7 and Tyler was 5 when we moved into the house.  When Danny and I got married and blended our families the kids ages were: Daniel 16, Sarah 13, Josh 9 and Tyler 7.  Danny and I were both starting over financially.  We didn't have extra money for a new home so we added two very small bedrooms onto the back of the house so that each of the kids would have their own space bringing the total square footage up to 1800 sq ft.  Needless to say we were close, very close.  The dining room table was practically in the living room and we had to take a number to get to the bathroom. Our hope was that by giving each person their own space that the blending would be less traumatic for everyone. During the remaining years that we all lived under that one roof, Danny and I struggled to make our way on this journey of the unknown.  We ate a lot of hamburger helper and spaghetti  while living in that little house. There are so many stories that we repeatedly visit now when we are all together. Often Danny and I learn little tidbits of information that we weren't aware of until one of the kids are retelling the story and I guess they figure enough time has passed that they can confess. I suppose it also helps that they are all grown and  and there really isn't much we could do about it anyway. 

Danny and I had many discussions while we were living in that little house about the happiness and comfort of each individual.  Were we providing enough love and emotion support to each individual.  Were there enough games, enough stuff to entertain them?  Should we let the older ones watch certain movies that the younger ones might see or hear?  Should we let them swim in the above ground pool when we were not home?  Was it unfair to have the older ones babysit the younger ones?   In retrospect, I suppose these are all questions that nuclear families have as well. After all, whether you are in a blended family or a nuclear family, no one gets an instruction book. 

We are long gone from the "Tate Road house".  Daniel is now 31, Sarah is 27, Josh is 23 and Tyler is 21.   One of the kids told me this past week that some of his happiest memories are in the "Tate Road house" because he had to use his imagination for fun.  They all made up games together.  They have secrets together of the things they did that they knew they didn't have permission to do and would have been in trouble had they been caught and that gave these step-siblings common ground.  They played in the woods, jumped from the trampoline to the pool (even though we told them not to). Made dance videos and played video games.  One of the funnest games they made up was making a sled out of an old truck tool box and having Daniel pull the three of them around the yard by hooking up the sled to the riding lawn mower.

By not being able to provide them the cool "in ground pool" and spacious dedicated play room and all of the latest and greatest toys and trinkets, they were forced to have a common goal of creating their own entertainment.  I believe this brought them closer together.  Not that having more is a bad thing, but for us, in our situation, less was definitely more. Maybe those folks that are now saying they want to simplify their lives are looking for what we had at the "Tate Road house."

To blog or not to blog

To blog or not to blog, that is today's question.  Last year I attended the Proverbs 31 Ministries She Speaks conference.  Blogging or I should say all social media was one of the break out sessions that was offered.  There were so many breakout sessions to choose from that I didn't feel that particular session was for me...at that time.  During the seven months since I attended She Speaks the topic of blogging has come back again and again.  After much thought and prayer, I've decided to give it a try.  If after several weeks or months it doesn't work for me or for you, the reader, well then nothing tried nothing gained.  My goal is to write a weekly blog each Friday.  My blog will be mostly what is on my heart and what I feel God is giving me a voice to say.  Topics may range from Bible studies to house cleaning and all in between.  I hope to keep it fresh and relevant and real.  I am certain that not everyone will relate or agree every week and the good news for you is; you do not have to read my blog if you so choose. 

Queenie

Today I will leave you with this verse:

The Lord Your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17